I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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