Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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