I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
