I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
