she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he shaved USA in his pubs
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
