every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
