Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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