I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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