The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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