why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
