I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
