If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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