It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
