by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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