I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She told me I should be a condom model.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You can't just leave with hair like that
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
