Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
