she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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