Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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