I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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