i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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