I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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