youre lurking in front of me
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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