I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
