I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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