Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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