My cat gives me a boner
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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