I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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