if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
