Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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