there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
