Do you still have your period?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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