3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
