Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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