Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
