You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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