I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
