I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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