I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
