My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
