also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
