im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
