if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
