I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
