I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
