I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
