The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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