He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
4 words: hood of his car
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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