Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
