hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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