You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Randomize
