I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
