He uses pillows to masturbate.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
