i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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