I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
